To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 馃槀馃コ
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Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
I鈥檓 writing Spider Ma鈥檃m, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn鈥檛 freaking need this.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Birdbox, but it鈥檚 just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Boss: And what鈥檚 your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won鈥檛 hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You鈥檙e our ideal candidate!
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I鈥檓 headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn鈥檛 press charges.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you鈥檒l have to wash your hands like a politician
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it鈥檚 a fish
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”