Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
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[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out