meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
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Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.