My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
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Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.