“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
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Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Choose your fighter
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
You are not alone 💚
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*