Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
You Might Also Like
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*