How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
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While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?