Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
You Might Also Like
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
bias laundering edition
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.