My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
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Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
What is going on? 😅
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping