Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
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It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don鈥檛 tell me. Is it 4?
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* 鈥andline
My friend is an excellent librarian.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son鈥檚 text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Me: I hate Valentine鈥檚 Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 馃槏馃槏馃槏
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they鈥檙e really saying that they鈥檇 like to speak with the manager.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
what鈥檚 wrong babe? you鈥檝e barely touched your charcuberie
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I鈥檓 picking your pockets.