HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
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We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.