My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
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I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
My last name is Zilla.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.