Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
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“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Unexpected Judgment
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.