I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
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*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
My good tweets are in my other pants.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”