The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
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i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water