Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
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A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Encore…
lmao
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.