“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
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The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
happy mother’s day❤️
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.