i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
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ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.