I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
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The internet is magic sometimes.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Breaking news:
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.