Celery is depressing green water wafers.
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Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
A ghost story
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM