Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
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My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
me linking you to my twitter
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.