Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
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ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
How it started How it’s going
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?