Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
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Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
No one :
Me when I swimming :
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.