My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
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[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
*exercises sarcastically*
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.