Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
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You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
being a writer on Twitter:
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
my astrological sign is a french fry
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now