Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
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Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
A family that plays together cheats.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.