hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
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A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly