How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
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A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
wow
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon