Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
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My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Knock Knock
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.