A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
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[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
this is 10/10 content no notes
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Is fake venison called venisn’t
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous