if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
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“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Me looking for something to eat….
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Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
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Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
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*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn