gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
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Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.