People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
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{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
PLOT TWIST:
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon