The eclipse was like April fools for birds
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me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
I think they could have phrased this better
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist