10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
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ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Breaking news:
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Yup
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.