A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
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Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
#SCOTUS one-star review
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog