Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
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SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.