You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
You Might Also Like
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.