‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
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The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer