Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
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wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
#ParentingFacts
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
🛁
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.