No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
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Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions