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I’m giving up ice.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.