mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
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The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
me and my fake scenarios