Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
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I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too