Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
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this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow