The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
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Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
(Jupiter –
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy