PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
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*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
normalize having existential bread
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
mathematically impossible
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?