I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
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What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
What?!?
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Unexpected Judgment
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
cry laughing at this shit
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.