High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
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Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
next level snooze
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said