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*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Don’t forget to tip your server
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?